


Kiss of Death

by Nom_Tasty



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe, Aphrodite is a fangirl, Bottom Harry, Canon Compliant, Death is a person, F/M, Gay Male Character, I totally forgot about this story whoops..., Luna is a God, M/M, Master of Death Harry, Not Epilogue Compliant, Pervert Death, Probably Porn, Top Death, but more like husband of death, he is also a pervert, i mean huge pervert
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-02-07
Updated: 2015-02-07
Packaged: 2018-03-10 20:47:20
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,548
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3302951
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nom_Tasty/pseuds/Nom_Tasty
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry Potter died – for real this time. Except instead of going to ‘the next great adventure’ he becomes the Master of Death – a title far different than what he thought it was. Now in another universe with Death himself trying to court him, Harry decides that he was born to be special.</p><p>*In which Death is a pervert, Aphrodite is a fangirl and Harry just wants some peace and quiet.*</p>
            </blockquote>





	Kiss of Death

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry should really be used to dying by now.

Harry never thought he would die the way he did. He was Harry Potter, The-Boy-Who’s-Name-Must-Be-Hyphenated for Merlin’s sake! He had survived the killing curse twice with nothing more than a small lightning bolt scar on his forehead, he had singlehandedly lead the war against one of the Darkest Lords in the history of the planet and came out on top, he was trained in both muggle and magical ways to defend himself and could list one hundred ways to end someone’s life in an instant… Yet it shamed him to say it, but he was killed by car – a drunk muggle driver to be exact.

So here he was. Dead. In a place… well he actually _didn’t_ know where he was. Whenever he died the second and hopefully _final_ time he had expected _(dreamed)_ to go back to the white Kings Cross station, meet all his dead loved ones in a big family reunion, finally meet his parents and grandparents and celebrate etcetera etcetera. Yeah, that didn’t happen. No reunion, no family, just that god-forsaken awful elevator music!

He was in a waiting room, a typical hospital waiting room with grey walls, grey floor and grey chairs. A fog covered the floor and ceiling so that Harry couldn’t see if there was actually anything solid there. There were three other people in the room: an old woman asleep in her hand, a middle-aged man with half his face missing, and a woman with grey skin, black hair and black eyes behind a desk that said ‘reception’.

Harry felt incredibly uncomfortable because he was naked. The old woman and the man with a missing face were too, but they didn’t move from their seats, just staring blankly in their directions. So Harry just sat there, trying to cover himself from no one for about twenty minutes until he heard a voice from the receptionist.

“Harry Potter can you… Harry Potter!?”

He sighed. Apparently, even death will not rid him of his fame. With some reluctance he stood up and walked over the invisible floor, all the time covering himself from the woman’s eyes. Standing in front of the desk, he tried not to shy away from that _look_ , the look he was oh so familiar with when he walked down Diagon Alley. The reverence in her eyes, the shock on her face… the only thing missing was the glance up to his forehead.

“Harry Potter…” She whispered, the awe in her voice obvious.

“Yeah, that’s me.” He sighed.

“I’ve met Harry Potter. I’m talking to Harry Potter.” She laughed excitedly. “The girls will love this!”

He had heard that before.

“Can I get your autograph?”

He had heard that one too.

“I didn’t think the Master of Death would be so hot!”

Huh. _That_ one was new.

“Ah, and here I am gushing to you! Death wants to see you personally.” She winked, making Harry think that this meeting will be anything but innocent. “Just go in through the left until you reach the office with his name on.” She gestured to her right, towards a pair of doors that he was sure were not there before.

“Can… can I have some clothes?” He asked her without moving from his spot.

She gave him the _look_ , not the ‘oh-my-god-you’re-famous-love-me’ look, but that look only women can do when they’re right. “Honey, I think Death would like you better like this. If you know what I mean.” She winked and slapped his butt before pushing him through the doors she mentioned earlier. “Good luck sweetie.” Then the doors were closed, and Harry was alone and naked in a corridor.

Unfortunately, this wasn’t the weirdest thing that had happened to him. It was close though.

Slowly making his way down the corridor, he looked at the names on the doors. God, Kami, Fate, Justice, Shiva, Quartion, Niah… He recognised some from various religions, but others were completely new. Like seriously, what the hell was a Ddhag?

When he finally _(finally!)_ found the door that said Death he was contemplating on just walking past, but that would cause a problem in itself, so decided against it. He didn’t know what Death wanted but it couldn’t be bad, right? And that was still not the weirdest thought he had ever thought.

He knocked on the door quietly before a loud commanding “Enter.” was heard, and he opened it and entered an office. A plain run of the mill office. The office was _relatively_ normal, CEO office complete with a dark blue carpeted floor and white painted ceiling. Closing the white door, he turned and faced the man behind the large ornate wooden desk, in front of large glass windows that overlooked a city. There were two plush leather seats in front of the desk, a waste basket on the left and a tall potted plant in the corner, but otherwise the office was Strange with a capital S.

The walls looked like they pulsed – _pulsed_ – and there were strange black markings that moved all over them. Strange tribal masks were hung up randomly, some with more than two eyeholes, all of which were carved into perpetual screams. The city, while looking normal at first glance, looked structurally impossible, and he didn’t even look too close at what actually _lived_ there – no need to open up that can of worms.

The man in the office was obviously tall, easily a head over his small frame, with broad shoulders and thick muscle on his body. His hair was sandy blond and his skin was tanned. He wore a formal suit, but the tie was untied and the first few buttons of his white shirt were open. Suddenly Harry felt very self-conscious about his lack of clothing, and tried his best to discretely cover himself before throwing it all out the window and doing it just so that he was covered. However, unlike what he had thought, Death didn’t look regal, nor did he have any sharp features. They were smooth, and Harry had a feeling that he had a great… smile.

Death carried on working – looking though paper and writing on some – oblivious to Harry for about another minute before Harry was fed up and loudly cleared his throat. Death grumbled under his breath, glanced up for a minute, turned back to his paper before doing a double-take. Harry felt extremely self-conscious under those sky-blue eyes. Those _great_ sky-blue eyes.

“Harry?” He asked, somewhat confused. “You’re dead _again_?”

Harry couldn’t help it. He snorted. “It’s not like I could help it. I was gonna to die eventually.”

Death nodded, before brightening up. “So did you kill yourself? Please say you did!”

To be honest, that was the last thing that Harry expected to be asked. “What!? No! A car ran me over!”

“Ah, so you threw yourself into the traffic.”

“Where did you get that idea from?!”

“Well you’re here.” He said, gesturing to his office.

“You make it sound like I planned to get here!”

“So you planned your death? So this is more like murder-suicide?”

“I– You– Bu–” Harry tried, words fumbling in his mouth before he noticed the sly grin of Death’s face. “You– Stop that!”

He merely smirked, the left part of his mouth twisting up.

“Ok, enough games.” Death clapped. “Name?” When Harry just looked at him unimpressed, Death just shrugged. “It’s a formality. Even we need to follow the rules, or the paperwork blah blah blah.” He blew air out of his mouth. “Just go with it, ok?”

“How professional.” Harry muttered. “Fine. Harry James Potter.”

“Harry’s rather bland. I’ll just put down Harold instead.”

“What? No!”

“Harrison more to your liking? Or how about Henry? Or why don’t we switch it up and try Jason – you’d be a good Jason. Or even Evan.” Death said, looking Harry over.

“My name. Is Harry.” He bit out, hands quickly reverting back to covering himself from Death.

Death sighed, like _Harry_ was the one being unreasonable. “Fine. Ok, date of death? That’s today… reason for death?”

“I was ran over by a– I literally just said it!”

“Suicide–”

“It was not–”

“–has no known allergies… prefers carrots over peas… can roll his tongue… likes stars…”

“Ok, what the hell is this form?” Harry said, his anger flaring. Death just ignored him and continued to mumble under his breath.

“…a drop of your blood–” He grabbed Harry’s hand and pricked it with an invisible needle, causing him to yelp and blood to drip onto the paper. “–and done!” With a flick of his wrist, the form jumped off the desk and disappeared in a puff of grey smoke. “You are now the Master of Death. Congratulations!” He said, opening his arms out wide.

Harry just looked at him for a moment in complete confusion. “I… what?”

“You’re the Master of Death now. Congrats!”

“Bu– Wh– Bu– _How_?” Harry said, his voice getting higher pitched.

“Because you’re dead. Harry, please keep up.” Death sighed, patting Harry’s free hand.

Harry took a deep calming breath before starting again. “Let’s start at the beginning. **Please.** How am I Master of Death? I got rid of two of the Hallows.”

“It’s because you’ve died three times.”

Harry was silent until, “But I’ve only died twice.”

Death simply scoffed and waved his hand. “Minor detail.”

“It’s a rather big one.” Death shrugged. “We can write it off as you died first as a baby, with Riddle and all. Might be able to get some compensation out of it too.”

“But I _didn’t_ die then.” Harry said, choosing to ignore the compensation bit. No way in hell was he getting involved with that.

“Well you did so you fulfil all the requisitions of being Master of Death.”

“…which are?” Harry said, almost hesitating.

“Well, each death must represent each myth of the Hallows. For you, as a baby you died your first Death by someone wishing to kill you to become powerful – the first brother and the Elder Wand.” He said, raising his index finger. “Next, you went into the forest and visited Riddle, and greeted your second Death as an old friend – the third brother and the Invisibility Cloak.” He raised his middle finger. “Finally your third Death you killed yourself to visit your loved ones – the second brother and the Resurrection Stone.” He held up three fingers. “Three Hallows, three Stories, three Deaths, three Circumstances. Each one you fulfilled.”

Again, Harry was quiet for a moment. “But I didn’t kill myself to see my loved ones. I was killed in an accident.” He pointed out.

Death just waved his hand again. “Minor detail. We’ll gloss over it.”

“Pretty big detail to gloss over.”

“It’s fine, it doesn’t matter now.”

“It kinda does.” Harry said. “That’s two of the three deaths you’re lying about. That’s rather big.”

Death ignored him. “So anyway, congratulations! You’re now Master of Death! Now we need to work out a system for the reaping of souls, but we can wait until after the honeymoon and–”

_“Honeymoon!?”_

Death gave Harry an odd look. “Yes, honeymoon.”

“What honeymoon!?” Harry spluttered.

“As in the thing after a marriage.”

“I’m aware what follows a marriage.”

He cocked his head. “Then what’s the problem?”

Harry gave him an ‘are-you-even’ look. “The fact that it’s _my_ honeymoon. With you! Why am I being pulled into this?”

Death smiled. “Because you’re the Master of Death.”

Harry twitched and seriously contemplated throwing himself through the glass windows, not caring what actually lived in the city. “Why is that your answer to everything?” He groaned.

“Because you’re the Master of Death.”

“That doesn’t even make sense!” Harry shouted, slamming his hands on the desk and forgetting his nakedness. Death just watched him, amused and eyes trailing downwards with a smirk. “I didn’t even agree to this!” Here Harry paused. “Wait, I still haven’t. Hah! I’m not gonna do it!”

“But you did agree, you signed a contract and everything.” Death pointed out.

_“When!?”_

“When I was writing out your death paperwork. Your blood sealed the deal.”

Harry spluttered. “You took that from me unwillingly!” When Death opened his mouth again, Harry jumped in. “And don’t you dare blow that off as ‘a minor detail’!”

“Well, you’ve signed the contract. No backing out now.”

“I didn’t want to anyway! Get me out of it!”

“Can’t. It’s absolute.”

Honestly he could at least look _somewhat_ apologetic.

“There is no such thing as an absolute contract!”

“Actually there is.” Said a voice behind him. Harry spun around, his anger dying fast, to see quite possibly the most attractive person he had ever met. She was in his late twenties, tall like Death with black hair and red eyes. Her smile was seductive, and she wore a long black evening dress and showed off her bare shoulders. Her face, unlike Death’s, was sharp features and regal, looking like what Harry would think a god looked like, not like Death’s ‘Surfer boy’ look that was totally not attractive.

“Aphrodite.” Death sighed, and suddenly the spell was broken. Yes she was attractive, but no longer in the sense where he wanted to jump her. “Can you stop?”

The woman – Aphrodite – pouted. “Fine.” She sighed, before clicking her fingers and covering in the grey smoke he was quickly becoming aware was the signature of the place they were in. When it cleared, the woman was in sweat pants with her hair in a ponytail and all the makeup she wore was wiped off and her features had softened. She now had glasses with black frames and a pen hooked on her left ear. Harry blinked. The woman was still beautiful, but now she looked more normal. And that made her look more beautiful.

“So you’re Harry, huh?” She smiled, showing her teeth while looking him over with an appreciative eyebrow. “I’m Aphrodite, but just call me Rhode.”

“Rhode?” Harry asked bemused, shaking her hand.

“Well I like to change my name every now and then.” She shrugged. “Rhode is just such a cute nickname anyway, and ‘Dite was so 1960s.” She looked down. “Hmm… I think you need some clothes.” She clicked her fingers and Harry felt clothes appear on his body. It was just a pair of jeans and a shirt, but it was so much better.

“Hey!” Death complained. “I was enjoying the view.”

“Is that why you kept him naked?” Rhode asked.

Harry twitched. Death left him naked so he could look at him? Trust him to be stuck to marry the only deity that was a pervert.

Actually, he _still_ needed to sort that out.

“So why exactly does me being the ‘Master of Death’ mean I have to marry _him_?” Harry demanded, purposely making it sound like a mockery then a title.

Here Death looked expectantly at Rhode, who smiled sheepishly. “Well, you see, it’s my fault.”

Harry just looked at her unimpressed. “I kind of guessed that, with you being the goddess of love and all.”

Rhode laughed. “Heavens no! For just one god being in charge of such a large domain? They’d go mad in a week! No, I’m the goddess of ‘Love Meetings’.” At Harry’s blank face she elaborated. “Love is very difficult to work with, and very difficult to contain or control. The best we can do is put limits on it, conditions on which someone can fall in love with another person.”

“Wait, so it’s not predestined?”

“Nah, if you’ve fulfilled the conditions for both parts, any two people can fall happily in love. Some people have more than others, and some couples can be happy if not all conditions are met.” Rhode explained.

“Do you mean _anyone_ can fall in love with anyone?” Harry asked, slightly amazed. He had always thought that there was some sort of plan, but apparently it was all chance.

“Yep.” Rhode smiled. “But here’s where we get into why it’s relevant. You see, during creation I needed to set conditions for all the other gods. But because there’s so many of us, I usually just had to work off their name. When I got to Death-” She gestured to said god. “-I assumed-”

“Incorrectly.” Death said.

“-assumed _incorrectly_ that because he’s, well, _Death_ , that he wouldn’t want love, so I tried to be kind and not let him have any distractions and so put his conditions as the impossible. And after Uni’s and Tinia’s disastrous marriage, Frigg declared that any marriage between gods must fulfil all the conditions…”

Rhode continues to talk while Harry zoned out and focused on Death. Yeah he was attractive – Harry knew he was 100% gay after that disastrous date and kiss with Cho – and yeah it would be good _(‘great’ his mind corrected)_ but he would not be forced into it. It all his life he had been forced into things, the Dursleys, the Gryffindor Golden Boy… The Boy Who Lived… Ginny…

Yet Death’s face was something else. The look on his face as he looked at Harry was nothing short of concerning. To be able to look like that to someone he had just met was something else. Then Harry began to think about how long Death had been alone. Harry had known 10 years without love, but to go for far longer than that...

“How long has it been?” Harry asked, his voice just a quiet murmur. Rhode looked confused, but Death understood.

“I stopped counting after five thousand years.”

Harry felt in insides twist at that. Five _thousand_ years? He needed to know…

“How many people have been suitable for him?” Harry asked, turning to Rhode. She was silent now, allowing Harry to digest everything, and told him the information he wanted.

“You’re the first.”

That settled it. Harry knew what he had to do. It was the right thing, after all…

“…I’ll do it.”

Death’s eyes shot to Harry, and Rhode smiled softly. “What?” Death asked, almost as if he didn’t want to believe his ears.

“I’ll do it.” Harry shrugged. “I mean, why not?” Because he didn’t love him _(yet)_. Because he didn’t want this _(that could change)_. Because he had no other choice _(yes he did)_. Because–

“Oh this is great!” Death smiled. “We’ll have a grand wedding, invite everyone and–”

“You’re getting ahead of yourself Death.” Rhode sighed. “Even though Harry fulfils your conditions, you know nothing about his, and neither of you are in love with the other.” She looked at Death’s unamused face. “Well, Harry doesn’t love you yet. Anyway Frigg just won’t allow it.”

Death deflated. “Your right… and because we can’t marry yet, Harry can’t stay here.”

“Huh?” Harry asked. “Old laws.” Rhode waved off. “Ignore them. Anyway, I do have a solution.”

“Wait, what? Old laws?” Harry said.

Death ignored him and looked at Rhode suspiciously. “…this is way too coincidental to be a coincidence.”

“What _ever_ do you mean?” Rhode smiled sweetly. “I have _no_ idea what you mean.”

Even Harry could tell that it was a lie, a bad one at that.

“Anyway, you need a place to fall in love with each other, so how about Earth?”

“But I died.” Harry pointed out. “I mean, yeah I’m new here but even I can figure out that my whole ‘coming back from the dead’ thing wasn’t supposed to happen for me the first time. This’ll just make it so people think I’m immortal or something…”

“True, true, but I never said _your_ Earth. What about another Earth?”

Huh, there were other dimensions. _Why not,_ Harry thought.

Death, however, snorted. “Only Cardea has the power to cross dimensions, and she hates everyone.”

“Everyone _but_ the person who introduced her to Janus.” Rhode smirked in a singsong voice.

Death looked impressed. “That was you?”

“One of my finest pieces of work.” Rhode said smugly, then turned wistful. “What a lovely piece of ass… Anyway don’t worry, I’ll just go get her.” She smiled before vanishing into a cloud of smoke.

There way a few moments of awkward silence between the two (well, in Harry’s opinion anyway) before Harry spoke.

“So is your name actually Death?” Harry asked. _Great start!_ He thought sarcastically.

Death looked up. “What do you mean?”

“Well, isn’t it a title, or are you actually named that?”

“Yes, I’m actually called Death.” He said, sounding amused.

“It doesn’t fit.” Harry decided. “You don’t have the cloak and scythe and not a skeleton.” Looking closely he added, “And it looks like you spend _way_ too much time in the sun.”

Death hummed. “Hmm. Don’t you think I look better like this?” He asked, not-so-subtlety undoing a few of the buttons on his shirt. Harry didn’t even try not to look.

Harry fought the urge to agree. “Better wouldn’t be what I would use.” _Godly, sexy, perfection…_ “You don’t have the whole intimidating factor down either…” He trailed off when he saw his smirk. That was not the right thing to say…

Death stood up and walked around the desk to stop way too close to Harry then what he would’ve preferred, but both parties refused to back down. Harry raised an eyebrow until Death roughly grabbed him and pinned him against the wall.

“You want intimidating?” He breathed, his body dinning down Harry against the wall. He easily towered over him, the top of Harry’s head only reaching just below Deaths shoulders. Death leaned in close, so that his breath was tickling Harry’s ear, and whispered, “I _can_ be intimidating.”

Death leaned further down and, with his tongue, traced from his shoulder back up to Harry’s earlobe. Finishing with a soft bite that caused a small whimper Death said, “When we’re finally alone, just you and me, you will be begging for it.” He licked Harry’s ear, on the inside now. Harry moaned, somewhat shocked at the fact that that sound came from him, and Death smiled.

“I will make sure that by the end you won’t be able to even remember your name.” With a final, harder bite – and a slight pelvic grind – Death backed away and returned to his seat while Harry slowly slid down the wall, his face blushing beyond belief. Harry had a moment to calm himself and still the raging boner he had before Rhode reappeared, followed by another woman. However, this one Harry actually recognised as–

“Luna?!” Harry shouted in shock, looking at the girl he knew as Luna Lovegood standing next to Rhode. Said blonde girl turned to Harry with a big smile.

“Harry!” She said. “Did the nargles get you?” She whispered loudly, helping him get up. His legs were shaky but he managed, but when he stood up they all could see his tented pants. Rhode giggled, Death smirked while Luna nodded in understanding. “Ah, it was the derwils.”

He was too afraid to ask. “Never mind that! What’re you doing here? Don’t say you died too!”

“No, no don’t be silly. I’m Cardea. I’m the goddess in charge of sorting out the dimensions and all that.” She put her hands out and did a little ta-da movement with her hands, twirling on the spot.

Harry blinked. Luna was a _god?_

“Yeah Harry, Cardea here needs to have a foothold in every dimension because otherwise she wouldn’t be able to access any of them.” Rhode supplied, and suddenly all the strange things that Luna did made sense. Talk to people who were not there, talk about imaginary creatures, to just _know_ things…

“So I’ve explained the situation to Cardea and she’s willing to help.”

“Anything for Harry.” Luna confirmed. Rhode raised an eyebrow but didn’t say anything further about it.

“So what _is_ going to happen?” Death asked Luna.

“Currently, there are three alternate Earth’s you can enter safely.” Luna said.

Death waited a moment before speaking. “Wait, so you aren’t gonna tell us anything about them? That’s just stupid.”

Luna just smiled. “Knowledge is a dangerous thing.”

“So no.” Death muttered. “I say again, stupid…”

“Luna…” Harry piped up before Death pissed her off and she refused to help. “…or would you prefer Cardea?”

“You can call me Luna, Harry.” She smiled, but gave Death a _look_ when he opened his mouth.

“Luna.” Harry repeated softly. “You know me. You choose the world that I would be the best in.”

It was true. He trusted Luna’s judgement more than other people’s. She didn’t lie, dramatise or romanticise anything – it was always the truth and her opinions. She didn’t care about making anyone happy with her words, it was her actions that she viewed as worthwhile.

Luna hummed and thought for a bit before nodding. “World 3 it is.” She clicked her fingers, making a purple portal rise up from the floor. “Death, you go first. Rhode, you follow and Harry will be the last.”

“Rhode?”

“I decided to come too.” Rhode winked at Harry. “Someone needs to make sure _he_ -” She nudged towards Death. “-doesn’t overstep his boundaries.”

“Great…” Death muttered, but Harry had the distinct impression that he was happy. It actually appeared that the two gods were rather close. Death entered the portal with a glance back at Harry, Rhode followed but Harry himself was stopped by Luna.

“Harry.” She said, grasping onto his forearm. “There’s things you must know about this world and we don’t have a lot of time.” Harry nodded and gestured for her to go on. “This world is different – _very_ different – to yours. Just remember people who could be trusted in your would doesn’t mean they can in this one, and the truth goes the other way too. The Harry of this world has passed, but they will only think that you were unconscious. I cannot show you what has happened in the world, but mostly it is recent history that is changed, the divergence only from about 50 years previous. And there is one thing you must _must_ remember.” Here she grabbed his shoulders and looked him dead in the eyes. “Death and Aphrodite are gods. They will fear no one, do whatever they want. _And I fear they won’t be alone._ ” She patted him on the shoulder to signal him to go through the portal, which was slowly closing.

Here her voice began to choke up. “Could… could you also be my friend, the Luna of that world’s friend again?”

Harry looked back and smiled. “Of course.” Luna closed her eyes and breathed out heavily. “Good luck. You’ll need it.” With that she pushed Harry through the door right before it shimmered shut.

Personally, Harry thought there would’ve been some transition, yet as soon as he passed the door he felt himself on a soft bed with his eyes shut. He gasped a breath, his lungs burning like he had been holding his breath for too long, and he could hear a woman’s teary voice, sounding so happy. She sounded familiar.

“Harian, my baby boy!” She cried. Ah, so it was his mother. He opened his eyes, expected to meet Lily Potter, the woman who died for him, the woman who gave him his bright green eyes, the woman who was the source of so many problems, but he didn’t. He saw someone he least expected, and quite honestly, didn’t want to see.

Bellatrix.


End file.
